


Protocol Q

by Hino_Hatari



Category: James Bond (Craig movies), Skyfall (2012) - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M, This is crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-10
Updated: 2014-11-10
Packaged: 2018-02-24 22:13:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2598332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hino_Hatari/pseuds/Hino_Hatari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The SIS was one of the most feared and most powerful intelligence agencies in the world. They did very bad things to very bad people for the greater good of Britain. However, everyone thought that right now, the only thing that might benefit to the greater good of their beloved country would be to keep the Quartermaster from being bored. M even declared it Priority Orange when it happened and they even created an entire new security protocol about it.</p>
<p>Q was that important.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Protocol Q

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ayantiel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ayantiel/gifts).



> This is a fill from this prompt from Ayantiel: There is a lull in activity at MI6 and the entire British Secret Service is trying their damnest to find some sort of project for the Quartermaster to work on, because nothing, not even double-oh agents, are as terrifying or destructive as a bored Q. Hijinks ensue.

PART 1

The SIS was one of the most feared and most powerful intelligence agencies in the world. They did very bad things to very bad people for the greater good of Britain. However, everyone thought that right now, the only thing that might benefit to the greater good of their beloved country would be to keep the Quartermaster from being bored. M even declared it Priority Orange when it happened and they even created an entire new security protocol about it.

Q was that important.

 

DAY 1

It all started when all the Double O agents all came back home after they all had their missions cleared. All of them. At the same time. It was such a rare occurrence that they had to check several times to make sure that this was actually a coincidence. It was.

Not that there wasn't much going around the world. There was a lot, actually, but Double Os were only deployed for high profile missions, as last resorts. And now, the other lower profile agents were handling field work very well, no need for the elite group of agents to intervene. 

So they had a night at the pub.

Said pub did close shop for the next day for reasons that none of them would spill out even under torture. And when one knew a Double O's track record on torture, that was a lot to say.

If they were all glad to have a few days off, it wasn't the case for the national treasure that Q was.

Q was their handler and usually didn't intervene in low profile missions either, so when the Double Os were on day off ... Q had nothing to do.

He had checked within R&D but even there, business was running slow — more because they ran out of budget and were waiting for an approval in the new funds than anything else, really. So no hope there.

The minions eyed their overlord with a sort of fear-filled anxiety as Q made his way back to Q-branch, staring at his hands and wondering what to do with them. The wise population of Q-Branch knew very well that Q didn't cope well with idleness and boredom. Last time that happened, an entire page from Al Qaeda's website had been turned into a cupcake recipe. That was how bored they had been.

At first, they kept the issue internal.

Minion no. 21 — whose actual name was Frederick but no one could bother to remember, sometimes not even himself — watched Q enter his office and as soon as the door was closed, he gestured his fellow minions to gather around him. "We need to do something, mates," he whispered and they all nodded in unison, "for Queen and Country."

"Why don't we create a virus, infest the system with it so that Q can solve the problem?" Minion no. 32 — a recently hired minion who had been here for just seven weeks — suggested, as she hadn't had the occasion to have a great idea yet and was still a bit of an outsider to the Great Nation of Miniondom.

"Last time we did that, Q cleared the virus in seven minutes and sixteen seconds. I counted." Minion no. 5 shook his head in disapproval. "Why don't we ask him if we could finally start on the Hoverboard project instead?"

"What is the Hoverboard project?" Minion no. 32 asked and everyone stared at her as if the very question in itself just insulted them personally. Minion no. 32 was not only the newest but also the youngest. Even younger than Q. She was just nineteen years old, in fact, and was a genius. But she was the kind of genius who had been so focused on being a genius that she forgot to be a teenager. She was quite Q's little protégée. He had fished her directly out of MIT. Graduated at fourteen and just got her Masters degree in computer science and other clever stuff.

"You don't know what a hoverboard is?" They asked her as if it was something that she absolutely couldn't not know.

She thought about it. She might have heard about it a couple of times but never really bothered to look it up. And much to the general horror, unprecedented in their great Kingdom of Minions, she shook her head.

"You don't know what a hoverboard is!" They all said, as one single organism.

There was a minute of silence, and she could swear they were all mourning for her. So much for trying to fit in.

"What are you all doing?" Q's voice asked, his eyes frowned as he looked at his people. They all turned to him. Q wished he could tell them to go back to work but there was no work to go back to, so there was that.

"No. 32 doesn't know what a hoverboard is, sir!" One of them ratted out shamelessly, though none of them really blamed her for that.

Q looked at no. 32 who had the grace not to make eye contact, ashamed. They hadn't taught her that at MIT. Why was it so important anyway?

"Well, let's show her then." Q said after a brief silence, a kind smile on his face.

This was why and how Q was the most beloved entity in Q-Branch. And why TSS had been renamed Q-Branch. Q was strict but kind to his people, protective and possessive. He didn't let the Double Os bully any of them, and always took the time to explain his train of thoughts instead of being a condescending arsehole about it. He was a condescending arsehole only to the Double Os but that was because they got it coming.

There was a general cheer within Q-Branch and quickly, they all moved, tacitly knowing what they all had to do. Some went to get blankets, others went to make tea, and others got the pillows. Q made his way to no. 32 who looked rather confused in the middle of all the fuss.

Q did like no. 32. She reminded him of himself. Q had had two PhD by the age of twenty-four, and a third one on the way. He had gone to the best schools, worked really hard to get where he was now. He could see how hard she worked and even though she hadn't distinguished herself in a brilliant way so far, Q was fine with that. She was learning and still growing up intellectually and professionally, and Q appreciated her keeping an open mind and a persistent effort in her work.

"Cheer up, no. 32. You are about to have your mind blown." Q smiled and gently grabbed her shoulders before turning her toward the large main screen that took an entire wall. The minions came back and started pulling the chairs around, brought pillows and all sorts of things to get comfortable. Q sat and thanked a minion for bringing him a blanket and wrapped it around himself before accepting a mug of tea.

Everyone settled around him and then, the lights all went off before the very first seconds of Back to The Future came on screen.

_

"Why can't I reach Q-Branch?"

Mallory was less cold than the old M, and less strict as well, but he was still generally respected and feared within SIS. Money penny liked him because he was damn efficient, Tanner liked him because they both enjoyed playing Mah Jong and Bond ... well, Bond was Bond.

Eve frowned and looked up from her computer to her boss. "I don't know, sir. I'll look into it presently." 

She reached for the landline on her desk and made the call directly to Q's own personal phone. It rang. Rang. Rang a bit more.

_"Please leave a message."_

Eve didn't.

Mallory raised his eyebrows, waiting and Eve raised her eyebrows, confused.

Q was never out of reach. He could be in the middle of damn nowhere and he would still find a way to be reachable.

"I'll try R." She said and she tried R.

R didn't answer either.

"I'll go check downstairs." Eve said and got up from her desk, quickly making her way to the elevator, her heels clicking on the floor and you didn't even need to look at her hips and arse to know that they were swaying with each step. You could hear her hips and arse sway with each step. Because she was Moneypenny.

Q-Branch wasn't accessible to all. Q-Branch in itself was a special section of MI6, just as the Double O programme was. They had been created at the same time for one to serve the other originally, but nowadays, the line between who served whom was blurred. Sometimes, the Double Os were just a trigger Q could pull from a safe distance, and sometimes, Q was just a glorified hacker helping the Double Os. They complemented one another so perfectly.

The rest of MI6's field agents got a different TSS, still called TSS. 

Only the executive branch and the Double-O could access Q-Branch, along with the Q-Branch people themselves.

Moneypenny pressed her finger to the scanner before pressing the button with 'Q' written on it. 

The doors soon opened on a long hallway, lit by white neons on each side and at the end of it, large doors, with a big, bold 'Q' across them. Eve walked up to the doors and pressed her fingers on the scanner on the side.

She didn't know what to expect. Chaos, certainly. She knew for a fact that Q wasn't a defenseless, skinny geek like everyone liked to think of him. He was a highly capable field agent, with excellent marksmanship and even better self-defence skills. However, unfortunately, it wasn't the case for the rest of Q-Branch. And she was afraid for those poor souls.

The doors opened and Eve had to blink a few times to get her eyes adjusted to the sudden darkness. She saw the screen and everything suddenly made sense.

She dialed a number as she took a step back and the doors closed in front of her. 

"M."

"They are watching Back to the Future, sir."

"Who, Q?"

"All of them, sir."

"Ah." There was a pause. "It's that kind of day, isn't it?"

"Should we activate Protocol Q, sir?"

There was another pause. 

"No. Let's give it a couple of days. Something might come up tomorrow."

Eve highly doubted that but one could never know if the Americans suddenly decided to get stupid again and bring war on some random country with a drop of oil in their soil. "Very fine, sir. Shall we leave them to it then?"

"Yes, I suppose. Maybe they will figure out how to make a hoverboard. One can never know with their lot, can one?"

Eve smiled and made her way back to the elevator. "Indeed not, sir. Indeed not."

_

"Where am I?" A voice groaned and eight others groaned after it.

"This must be hell." Another one groaned and eight others groaned in agreement.

"I've been there. This is worse." A third one groaned and eight others groaned in second agreement. 

"I was talking about actual hell. Not Hell, Michigan, you dumbass." The second voice groaned again and seven others groaned back.

"Will all of you bloody shut up?" Bond snapped and untangled himself from the various limbs surrounding him and managed to sit up and look around. It was all dark however, and he couldn't see anything. He was pretty sure however that it was the morning. Or afternoon. He could see a bit of light trying to get past the heavy curtains but not quite succeeding. Bond had lost any sense of biological clock. He was just back from Timbuktu after all, and the last thing he remembered was making a bet with Scarlett about how he could definitely drink six shots in a row. He didn't know if he had won. 

He got up, stepped on someone's leg — "Ouch, goddammit!" — and on someone's hand — "Who is it? Who is it? I'm going to kill you!" — and resisted the urge to lie back down because his head was throbbing mercilessly and he was sure he was going to be sick. Bond was used to drinking a lot, and he knew that if he felt like this in the morning, they must have drunk a hell lot. Like ... a lot of hell lot. 

He took a deep breath, bracing himself, and then pulled open the curtains.

"Oh my eyes!" Trevelyan yelled and cursed in Russian, though it went lost in the profusion of other curses from seven other Double Os.

"Whose hand is this?" Fairbanks asked, raising a hand. "Oh, it's mine." He muttered to himself though it sounded more like he just discovered that Santa didn't actually exist. Bond didn't want to think too much about it as he narrowed his eyes to adjust to the sudden light and looked out of the window to try and recognize where they were.

Canary Wharf.

They were in bloody Canary Wharf. 

"We are in bloody Canary Wharf." 

There was a silence after that and they all took the time to get away from one another — they only realized then that they had all been sleeping on the same king sized bed and that they all looked wrecked and zombified — before going over to the large windows to have a look. Except 005 — Stuart Thomas — who ran to what looked like a bathroom to spit out his guts into the toilet.

"We are in bloody Canary Wharf." Alec echoed once they were all by the window.

"This is the Four Seasons." Scarlett Papava supplied with some sense of expertise.

"At least we have good taste." 009 mentally patted himself in the back but also reached to pat those closest to him. His back hurt, by the way, but he guessed that was because sleeping on limbs caused that kind of little discomfort. 

It was a wonder they had been allowed in, considering their various states of drunkenness.

They all chose to ignore the disgusting sounds coming from the bathroom.

_

"Oh my god, we need to make a hoverboard." No. 32 kind of squeaked in excitement but no one would blame her for it. She just had an epiphany after all and it happened to us all.

"I second that." R raised her hand.

Q knew that they didn't have the technology to make a hoverboard yet. Not a proper one, at least. Sometimes, reality just sucked.

They had just finished Back To The Future, and it had been glorious. But now that that was done, boredom quickly pried its nose back into Q's life and he yawned.

To the minions of Q-Branch, that didn't sound like a yawn though. It sounded more like a blasting alarm in Q-Branch that set them all on panic mode. They had managed to keep Q's mind busy for a little moment but now, Q's boredom was coming back like a boomerang, fast and potentially dangerous.

Q got up lazily.

Q's boredom always worked through several stages. The first one being laziness, the second one was frustration, then anger, and then mania. Stage Four had to be avoided at all cost, because it might lead to World War 3. Though the ideal would be the avoid Stage One at all.

"No. 7 and no. 15 will take care of the design." Q assigned. "No. 14 is on tea duty. No. 6 to 10, you get the materials we need and the rest of you, come with me to the lab. We have science to think about."

The main lab of Q-Branch was surprisingly small. There was a room beside it where all the chemicals and other biohazard stuff were stored, and the lab in itself had all the materials for experimenting and seven ultra-efficient computers. There were three white boards lined on three different walls.

Q only realized how small the place was once most of his minions all entered in with him. There had never been so much IQ in such a limited space, Q thought. At least they had that going for them, which was nice.

"No. 25 to 32, you get on the computers for coding." Q said. "No. 20 to 24, R and I will play with the boards and the rest of you ... go do ... stuff." Q shooed them away. They did look disappointed but Q knew that anyway, someone needed to keep an eye on the rest of MI6, and the others would just lurk around, waiting to have some sort of epiphany that could revolutionize science.

_

They all started to leave one by one, after the hangover had dissipated a bit. 

Fairbanks didn’t really have a flat in London anymore, mostly because he went missing for four weeks and once again, MI6 just sold his flat. If they didn’t know better they would say that MI6 sold their flat as an incentive for them to come back now. And it worked.

”I’m going home with you, Scarlett.” Fairbanks decided for himself, and Scarlett’s brain was throbbing too much for her to protest. And anyway, they all knew that there was something going on between the two of them. Maybe not a reomantic relationship but something.

Trevelyan and Bond were the last ones to leave. 

Before they could walk out of the hotel room however, Bond’s phone rang. 

”Bond.” He greeted as he brought it to his ear.

”We need you at HQ now. It’s rather urgent.” M’s voice came.

Bond still hadn’t recovered from last night but he knew that he had always be ready at moment’s notice, whenever his country needed him. 

”I’m with 006. Shall I bring him?” Alec and he shared a look.

”Yes. Why not.”

”We’ll be there in twenty.” He confirmed and stopped the call.

_

This shouldn’t be something that worried him so much, but M had always been a preventive type, and considering how it all turned up last time this happened, he wasn’t willing to take any chance.

Q-Branch was positively bored.

The last reports said they had locked themselves in their lab, and M hoped it was for something that might actually result into a great invention, or anything that was worth the far too big budget they allowed for Q-Branch. Not that the budget was Q’s fault. He knew it was mostly to cover the fact that none of the Double Os seemed to care that much about the priceless tech they were given.

M didn’t want to activate Protocol Q however. It was far too soon and the situation didn’t yet meet the standards necessary to activate it. 

What was Protocol Q, would you ask?

It was something simple, neat and quick. Sedate Q. Put him to sleep until they needed him again. It was the only way to keep Q from breaking havoc around MI6, getting far worse than any bored Double O. At least those lot would just drink themselves to coma.

”006 and 007 are here, sir.” Eve announced and M gestured her to let them in.

They both strolled in like a single man, even though both looked — and smelled — like they could use a bath.

M grabbed an air freshener and sprayed it around him shamelessly, ignoring the way the two agents glared at him.

”Oh, come on. It’s not that bad, is it?” Alec rolled his eyes.

”It actually is. Where did the two of you sleep last night? With pigs?”

”Considering the company, it might as well have been.” Alec smirked and slumped down on the chair in front of M’s desk. Bond remained standing however.

M chose not to ask any further, for the sake of his own sanity — there were some things one really didn’t need to know — and instead, he chose to move on. The faster this went, the faster they would leave his office and get a shower.

”Q-Branch spent the morning watching Back To The Future.” He started but he didn’t need to go further before realization hit the two agents. Indeed, this was a major crisis then.

”Have you initiated Protocol Q?” Bond asked, suddenly serious.

”Not yet. It’s not meeting those criteria yet, but we’ll try to prevent any damage. I see your fellow agents are also in town. Until further notice, you will be tasked to prevent any escalation of the problem.” 

_

”It’s lunch time.” A minion remarked.

Q-Branch never really cared for lunch time usually, all workaholics, the lot of them, but Q hadn’t eaten a thing for what felt like days.

”Alright, we could pick up where we left after a good lunch.” Q decided and put his white board marker down. All three boards were full of different equations and Q was proud of their work so far.

The entirety of Q-Branch moved to the cafeteria.

_

Bond and Trevelyan made their way to Q-Branch. They were among the few ones who had enough security clearance to go to Q-Branch. However, when they arrived, the place was deserted.

There were pillows still on the floor in the middle of the room, and some blankets as well. It didn’t take a genius to know that it was where they had been watching Back to The Future.

”Do you think they went to the future? Or the past?” Alec asked stupidly and James threw a look at him, actually wondering about Alec’s sanity, or if he was really sober like he claimed to be. ”I was kidding. Jesus, relax, James.” Alec had always been the more relaxed of the two of them, always having a joke on his tongue and was never afraid to tell them, even at the most inappropriate moment.

”Let’s have a look around.” Bond decided. Maybe they were playing hide and seek. You never knew with those kids.

Bond started with Q’s office. It was electronically locked, and even Bond couldn’t get in. R’s office too was locked and the rest of Q-Branch was deserted.

”Do you think they can extend Protocol Q to the entire branch?” Alec mused as they made their way to the lab.

”You just need to make the Queen bee sleep, Alec. The other ones will be calmed down immediately.” 

The lab too was empty, but James saw the last evidences that it was where they had been last. They went in to investigate further. Maybe they went out for a field testing, which wasn’t really that big of a deal.

Alec checked in one of the computers, trying to see what they had been working on and Bond tried to decipher the equations on the boards, leaning against one of the counters. They both heard some glass fall on the tiles and turned to look at how James accidentally spilled some sort of liquid on some sort of powder.

Neither Alec or James were very good at chemistry, but in their job, they had to know enough of it to survive. It took James about seven seconds to realize it was potassium permanganate, however, he couldn’t exactly recognize the liquid.

Well, not until a big fire suddenly started.

”Holy shit!” Alec yelled and looked around for a fire extinguisher.

”Who the hell doesn’t put labels on chemicals? Glycerol. Is that hard to write?” Bond yelled back and took off his jacket to try and stop the fire but as he put it over the flames, it got even worse and the expensive jacket started burning as well.

It didn’t take long before the fire alarms went off all over Q-Branch, completely soaking the entire place, and the two current occupants.

**Author's Note:**

> I am afraid this one would be a multi-chaptered one. I’ll updated it once a week because it takes a lot of time to write it all and I have a lot of prompts to fill. 
> 
> Hope you like this, darling. Thanks for being such an inspiration.
> 
> And this will go more and more crack-ish.


End file.
